A time when doubting and overthinking about myself affected the way I handled the situation - August 24

 Prompt Response: A time when doubting and overthinking about myself affected the way I handled the situation was when I had my first panic attack. It was in 6th grade, my parents were always the stereotypical strict hispanic parents, ones that will tell you that you have to be better than the person next to you, it was never a problem for me and I never saw it as a problem, after all parents know better than the kids. I came home that day with them giving me a side eye, and I already knew I was in big trouble, they came up to me and starting to ask me why did I got a 92 on a math test, to make matters worse both my little sister who was in the 4th grade at the time, and my brother who was in 1st grade, came up to my parents and told them how they got a hundred on their tests, within seconds my parents looked at me and started to compare me with my siblings for the first time in my life. Later that night, I couldn’t sleep, especially not when I had their words stuck in my brain and also all the things I wanted to say like “they’re not in middle school how would they know how hard it is”, I kept tossing and turning in my bed and with that it lead to another thing which was my heart started to beat so fast and I couldn’t breathe and not the way they would describe it in the movies, but more like if you were in the hospital fighting for your life. I started to grip on whatever I could find but that didn’t help me from not crying and from doubting myself, as I kept thinking, “what if they're right, what if I’m really a failure what else could I possibly do that would make look inferior compared to my little siblings, who at the time I thought they were better than me.” Thank god, I was still up once none of my parents were at home around 2 in the morning, since they had work that morning, I came out of my room stumbling hoping that I could find something to distract myself from the panic attack I was having, at that moment it wasn’t as bad as it was earlier but my hands were still shaking but I managed to get the one thing that kept me together at the time which was a sweater of my favorite boyband. I gripped it so hard that I still remember my knuckles turning white because of it, and as I was humming to one of their songs my tears and heartbeat started to slow down so as my panic attack, and ever since then I found out that whenever people start to treat me bad and I’m about to self doubt, I either go get that sweater and hug it tight or put on some headphones and blast their music because what I’ve learned is that no matter how much people hurted me, they're not worth any of my tears.

Summary: Today in class we read and analyzed another Emily Dickinson poem called, “I Felt a Funeral, in My Brain”.

Reflection: After reading the poem it made me reflect on myself and actually read on how other people interpret their way of how they see themselves losing their minds or how they feel overwhelmed but yet they don’t seek help at the right time. It also made me reflect that when I feel overwhelmed or when I feel insecure of myself over anything I shouldn’t stop seeking for help even if in my past people helped me while still making me feel bad about it, because not everyone is the same.